5 Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself Right Now

1. Ask For What You Need

For many of us, asking for help can feel like we are failing. We have internalized messages throughout the course of our lives that in order to be “good,” “worthy,” or “responsible” we must manage all things for all people. It can become part of our identity, so when we hit a point at which we can no longer keep all the balls in the air on our own, we can feel confused, ashamed, and unsure of what to do.

Asking for help or support is learned skill that can take practice, but that also can lead to the surprising outcome of deeper connection with others.

When we tell ourselves that we have to handle things alone, we can be missing out on opportunities to connect or build intimacy. Acknowledging that we need a little help can be scary, because we are allowing others to see our vulnerable places.  But, by revealing these less than perfect parts, we are actually allowing ourselves to be seen more truly and are allowing others to be there for us.  

Even though it can be scary, try giving yourself permission to ask for help.  

Do you need help with night feedings or do you need a few hours to yourself everyday?  Do you want to see your friends more often or to have more intimacy in your relationship?  

Spend a few moments considering ways you might ask for help to lighten your load today.  

2. Show Yourself a Little Compassion

We are usually our worst critics.  We kick ourselves when we are down by shaming ourselves when we make mistakes.  Deep down, we believe that this shaming process will motivate us to do better, but in reality, we just feel worse.  

So when you hear your inner critic chiming in to tell you what a terrible mother  you are because your house is messy, try responding to that critical voice with: “I am human and I make mistakes” OR “I am doing my best right now.” 

When I can, I try to give myself the tenderness I would a friend who was hurting.  I say, “You are doing your best, and that is enough.” Through this process of self-compassion and tuning into what happening internally, we are able to release the feelings and move on.  

Showing yourself a little love has been proven to help you move ahead more than beating yourself up.   

3. Adjust Your Expectations

There is no such thing as perfect.  There is no such thing as a perfect mom or perfect family or perfect job.  We are all human and wonderfully imperfect!  When we accept our inevitable imperfection as part of our unique magic, then, we can identify more realistic outcomes and reduce our stress and suffering. 

Something that comes to mind when I think about this process of adjustment, is a recent power struggle I was repeatedly getting stuck in with my toddler. When she was about one and half years old, and just beginning to understand that she could protest my decisions. Her favorite place to exert this new found independence was when getting into the car seat. She would fight and scream and arch her back making it nearly impossible for to get her into the car.

This car seat struggle would make my blood boil. I had decided we would be getting into the car for groceries and the library, and I wanted what I wanted! But my daughter did not.

After several outings gone awry, with me trying force her into the seat by any means I could imagine, using bribes, or toys to lure her in, but ending up tired and angry, I realized I had a choice. I could either continue to push my agenda, or I could adjust to include her temperament and needs in this phase. By adjusting my expectations for my child and for the amount of activities we could accomplish in one outing, I reduced my stress and agony to nearly none. I would now expect this type of self-assertion from her, and instead of pushing back with equal force, I would make room for it by adjusting my own mindset.

Now, I didn’t get everything I wanted, but I was able to enjoy my errands with my daughter more while she was in this phase. The phase was short, and once she was just a few months older, so no longer protested in this way.

Consider something that is driving you crazy, and ask yourself is this something I can realistically expect given my current situation?  If it isn’t realistic for today, then try adjusting your expectations slightly and allowing room for something just a little more within reach.  

4. Identify Your Values

Values are directional guideposts that help us aim our action towards where we want to go.  Unlike goals, values are the direction we want to move towards in our lives.  Values are not attainable, but rather guide us towards meaningful action.  

To use the earlier example of the power struggle with my daughter, when I examined my values, and allowed them to guide me, it was easier to take action that resolved the issue. As a mother, I want my children to feel they can trust and rely on me and see me as patient and understanding. By holding these values in mind, it became easier to choose my actions.

During periods of stress or difficult it can be particularly helpful to keep your values in mind.  We may not be able to reach our goal daily, but if we are living in line with our values, we are moving forward.  

Consider what are your top 5-10 values, and ask yourself what is one step that you can take today to help you move more into align emend with your goals. 

5. Be Present

Hopes and goals help us move forward in our lives, but when we get caught up in what “should” be, we can loose sight of what is.  Being present is a way to help us appreciate what is happening now and can help us cope with anxiety, depression, and overwhelm.

Being present simply means tuning into a specific moment.  You can try it by taking three slow breaths, feeling your lungs inflate and exhale, noticing what those sensations feel like.  Or you can try noticing the leaves blowing in the wind and watching them move and shift.  

Practicing this process of slowing down and noticing our body or the external environment, can help us shift out of the cycle of thoughts that can lead us to feel stuck or panicked.

All of these tips are just that— tips, and are not a magic formula.  Using these tips can be helpful if you practice them.  Developing habits of daily self-care can help to reduce anxiety and stress, but are not a substitute for therapy. 

If your are struggling with anxiety, panic, or overwhelm, or if you’d like more information on implementing these tools into your daily life, please call me for a free consult. 

Working with a therapist can help you develop more awareness of what’s happening inside and can help you develop tools to ditch the struggle and increase self-compassion.  

Be well!!

What is Mindfulness? Can it Help My Anxiety?

Mindfulness is defined as bringing awareness to the present moment without judgement.  

Sounds simple, right?  And it is, in many ways.  It is a simple skill that can help calm your mind and allow you to take action towards what you value. 

Although the skill is one that requires you to do very little, it can be difficult to get into the habit of doing something new.  

Often when we feel uncomfortable feelings like anxiety or sadness, we attempt to escape them right away.  But when we avoid feelings they don’t just disappear.  With feelings, “what we resist, persists.” 

Have you ever noticed that if you are anxious about an important meeting or test that’s coming up, you might have the urge to ignore the anxiety and just “power through.”  Sometimes this can seem to work, but other times, the more you try to “buckle down” and focus the less you are able to do so.  You are essentially struggling with your anxiety to beat it into submission.  

Try as we might, we can not make feelings go away, and the more we struggle with them the more stuck we become.  Feelings come and go in their own time, and if we can reduce our habit to struggle against them, we can move through them with less suffering.  This is will free us up to take action towards the things we value.  

Here is where mindfulness comes in.  Mindfulness is a tool that teaches us how to allow ourselves to feel the feelings that we may want to avoid, so that they can be released.  By practicing mindfulness, we can develop the ability to notice our thoughts and feelings as they come and go without becoming stuck in them.  

So how do you begin learning to use mindfulness in your daily life?  

Start by taking a moment right now to pause and notice what you’re thinking and feeling.  Try naming your thoughts and feelings as they drift through your mind without making a judgement about them. Just notice them.

I like to think of it as just slowing down and paying attention to what’s going on inside.  Practicing mindfulness can help you notice your thoughts and internal story, which can help change your relationship to anxious thoughts and feelings.    

Here are two mindfulness exercises that you can begin right now:

Simply focus on your breath.  Notice how you feel when you breathe in and how you feel when the air is released.  Draw your attention to your belly rising and falling, placing your hand on your belly if that helps.  Try to keep your focus on your breath for one minute.  

Another helpful visualization exercise can be to imagine a flowing stream with leaves drifting on the surface.  As the leaves pass by, imagine placing a thought on the leaf and watching it float downstream.  Repeat putting thoughts and feelings on individual leaves and watch them float away.  

Practicing mindfulness can help us develop the skill of allowing and feeling our feelings rather than becoming stuck and overwhelmed by them. 

Mindfulness can not eliminate your uncomfortable feelings, but it can help you struggle less with them.  

I’d love to know if you use mindfulness in your daily life, and how it works for you!

3 Simple Steps to Reduce Anxiety

1. Breathe. 

   Anxiety can often seem like a cyclone of thoughts and feelings taking over your mind and body.  One way to shift out of that storm state is to ground yourself into the present moment. 

   Using the 4-7-8 breathing technique is a simple way to use your breath to help ground you.  To use the 4-7-8 technique, breathe in quietly through the nose for 4 seconds. hold the breath for a count of 7 seconds. Then exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursing the lips and making a "whoosh" sound, for 8 seconds.

2. Tune into your body. 

   Notice how your body feels during a moment of high anxiety.  Are you feeling tension anywhere specifically?  The pit of your stomach, a knot in your throat, tension in your shoulders?  Try noticing these points and actively releasing them.  You may need to stand and stretch or close your eyes while asking your body to relax. 

   Or you can try a technique called progressive relaxation. In this technique, you systematically tense particular muscle groups in your body, such as your neck and shoulders. Next, you release the tension and notice how your muscles feel when you relax them. This exercise will help you to lower your overall tension and stress levels, and help you relax when you are feeling anxious.

3. Remind yourself that feelings and thoughts will come and go. 

   In a moment of high anxiety, we may feel overwhelmed by the thoughts in our mind.  We may have trouble seeing them for what they are, just bits and pieces of information coming in and out of our awareness.  Not all the thoughts that pass through our minds are true.

   We often tell ourselves very unhelpful stories such as “I am a failure” or “I am unlovable.” These stories are not facts, they are just thoughts. 

   A way to help you untangle from these thoughts is by cultivating awareness of their presence and distancing yourself from them by “watching” them.  One simple strategy to help you begin this is the leaves on a stream exercise. 

   You begin this exercise by picturing a stream.  Imagine the stream flowing and on top of the water leaves are drifting away.  Now bring to mind a particular thought and picture that thought being placed on top of one of the leaves.  Now imagine that leaf being carried away by the stream. Continue to imagine this process with any thoughts that pop up in your mind for the next 3-5 minutes.  This exercise helps to reinforce that thoughts will come and go, and if we can just notice and allow them to pass, they will.  

   Here is a link to a video demonstration of the exercise: https://youtu.be/r1C8hwj5LXw

Please reach out to me via phone or email if you’d like more information on these or others strategies to help reduce anxiety and increase your ability to live the life you desire.

Self-Compassion and Anxiety Relief

Some days I walk into the kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes that I don’t have time to do… dinner that needs to be made… and while my child whines for mommy at my feet— I feel the crushing weight of it all— all that’s not done or not done well enough.

Without a thought, I take all this that’s “not enough” and step into it— pull it over me like a blanket.  And then the record begins....I am not enough.. I will never be enough.  Often this “not enough-ness” pushes me into a flurry of cleaning and quickly doing this and that- snipping orders at my husband, as I try so desperately to quiet the inner critic by doing more.   

Trying to keep down my feelings of anxiety or uncertainty or grief by pulling together all the strings of my little life purse.  “If I can just do better- just control it all.”  

At the time this feels safe, and I feel powerful— in control. 

If I whip myself hard enough or criticize myself in just the right way, I will be able to control or escape these uncomfortable feelings.... won’t I?  

But these painful feelings always come back.  And in the wake of my control storm— I have punished myself to the point of exhaustion, and have pushed my partner a little further away.  

How has this become my automatic response to feeling overwhelmed or sad or disappointed?  Where did I learn this method of white knuckling through?   

---

Viktor E. Frankl says,

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  

Most often it doesn’t feel like there’s any space or time between my feeling and my reaction, but I do believe there is. 

So to help cultivate and grow that space, I am trying to get a little curious about my auto-pilot reactions.   Trying to push that tiny space between a little wider to allow for a moment of breath or new thought.   

But it is not easy... and it takes practice— a lot of practice.  What I am discovering during this practice is self-compassion.  

Reminding myself gently that I am only human, and I will not be able to control everything in my life.  I will not be able to avoid uncomfortable feelings by trying to control other things.

Gently allowing myself to ask “Where is this reaction coming from?” “What are the feelings that are coming up for me right now?”  “Am I feeling anxious or scared or frustrated?”

By patiently getting in touch with the feeling I am trying to avoid and allowing it be there for a moment.  To just take the first step by acknowledging the uncomfortable feeling exists.  When I can, I try to give myself the tenderness I would a friend who was hurting.  I say, “You are doing your best, and that is enough.”

Through this process of self-compassion and tuning into what is happening internally, we are able to release the feelings and move on.

Suppressed feelings are like a beach ball you are holding under the water.

It works for a time, but the feelings will eventually burst up to the surface.

Dr. Kristin Neff who studies self-compassion, and has said,

“What we resist persists.  Self-acceptance is the key to happiness and a way out of anxiety and panic.”

Again this is a process that takes patience and time.  Be gentle with yourself as you try to make change.  Start where you are, and remind yourself you are doing what you can at this time.  

If you are struggling with anxiety, panic, or overwhelming feelings, and you need a little help getting through, please call me for a free consult.  Working with a therapist can help you develop more awareness of what’s happening inside and can help you develop tools to ditch the struggle and increase self-compassion.  

You don’t have to do it all alone!

What to Expect During a Home Study

When preparing to foster or adopt, you will need to participate in a home study assessment before a child can join your home. You might wonder what exactly a home study assessment entails or feel slightly nervous to begin. Let me help demystify the process for you!

A home study assessment is an evaluation to illuminate a potential families strengths and issues for concern to ensure that a child joining a family will be safe with his or her new parents.

Typically, a home study includes 2-4 in person interviews with a social worker followed by an inspection of your physical space.

During the interview process, the social worker will collect background information on the prospective parents including everything from childhood development to physical health to current communication styles between partners.

The interviews usually take place in your home and last about one-two hours each. Depending on the format of the assessment, the social worker may ask you to complete several questionnaires or ask you to write a short autobiography of your experiences as a child and within your family of origin.

Once the information collection phase is completed, the social worker and her agency will evaluate the information and then compile a written report called the Home Study.

You might wonder why is all this personal information necessary?

The assessor wants to see that you have resolved issues from your past and aren’t currently overwhelmed by stress that could impact your ability to parent a child. If needed, the social worker may recommend couples or individual counseling to help you prepare to become a parent. If therapy is recommended this does not mean you are ruled out or failed your assessment, it is merely a way to strengthen your foundation before a child joins your home.

Parenting can be extremely challenging, and often more so when a child joins your family through foster care or adoption. A willingness to work on issues that could impact your parenting ability is an incredible sign that you are already committed to being a parent!

As you work approach your journey towards becoming a foster or adoptive parent, contact me for more information about supportive counseling services.

Here’s some links to helpful info:

http://www.safehomestudy.org/SAFE/SAFE-Overview.aspx