Some days I walk into the kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes that I don’t have time to do… dinner that needs to be made… and while my child whines for mommy at my feet— I feel the crushing weight of it all— all that’s not done or not done well enough.
Without a thought, I take all this that’s “not enough” and step into it— pull it over me like a blanket. And then the record begins....I am not enough.. I will never be enough. Often this “not enough-ness” pushes me into a flurry of cleaning and quickly doing this and that- snipping orders at my husband, as I try so desperately to quiet the inner critic by doing more.
Trying to keep down my feelings of anxiety or uncertainty or grief by pulling together all the strings of my little life purse. “If I can just do better- just control it all.”
At the time this feels safe, and I feel powerful— in control.
If I whip myself hard enough or criticize myself in just the right way, I will be able to control or escape these uncomfortable feelings.... won’t I?
But these painful feelings always come back. And in the wake of my control storm— I have punished myself to the point of exhaustion, and have pushed my partner a little further away.
How has this become my automatic response to feeling overwhelmed or sad or disappointed? Where did I learn this method of white knuckling through?
Viktor E. Frankl says,
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Most often it doesn’t feel like there’s any space or time between my feeling and my reaction, but I do believe there is.
So to help cultivate and grow that space, I am trying to get a little curious about my auto-pilot reactions. Trying to push that tiny space between a little wider to allow for a moment of breath or new thought.
But it is not easy... and it takes practice— a lot of practice. What I am discovering during this practice is self-compassion.
Reminding myself gently that I am only human, and I will not be able to control everything in my life. I will not be able to avoid uncomfortable feelings by trying to control other things.
Gently allowing myself to ask “Where is this reaction coming from?” “What are the feelings that are coming up for me right now?” “Am I feeling anxious or scared or frustrated?”
By patiently getting in touch with the feeling I am trying to avoid and allowing it be there for a moment. To just take the first step by acknowledging the uncomfortable feeling exists. When I can, I try to give myself the tenderness I would a friend who was hurting. I say, “You are doing your best, and that is enough.”
Through this process of self-compassion and tuning into what is happening internally, we are able to release the feelings and move on.
Suppressed feelings are like a beach ball you are holding under the water.
It works for a time, but the feelings will eventually burst up to the surface.
Dr. Kristin Neff who studies self-compassion, and has said,
“What we resist persists. Self-acceptance is the key to happiness and a way out of anxiety and panic.”
Again this is a process that takes patience and time. Be gentle with yourself as you try to make change. Start where you are, and remind yourself you are doing what you can at this time.